this moment 10 years ago i got into bed with matthew for the last time. the next morning he got up, left for work and was killed on the way.

and that’s it.

i have been devastated. i have been caught in the basement of memories lost and screaming for help in a dark and alone hollow. i have been terrorized, terrible out of my mind out of my body and insane. and i have been loved. i have been loved and supported and felt joy the most high joy of knowing where the bottom is understanding its profundity and realizing how more delicious elation can be with that view. i have been cracked open guts spilling over the edges, heart irreparably cracked- light seeping out and filled back in with gold and now you can see my beautiful and strong scars across every expression every gratitude every interaction. i have survived i have lived i have thrived.

i am grateful.

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